lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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