Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
