The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think i have two assholes
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
