i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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