mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
