im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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