I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
