Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
