He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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