eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
