god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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