bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
