Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
