According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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