That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
