I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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