Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I could make wine with my vomit
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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