I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
