last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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