Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
