Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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