Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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