My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
