im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
