I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
