it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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