cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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