My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
