There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
