just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
