Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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