So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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