dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
