Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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