Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize