Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
