Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
