Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
