decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
