Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
