What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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