I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
