She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
