The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
