i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
