Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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