so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
