Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
