Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
