2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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