There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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